1..2..Cha Cha Cha(shoes are needed)

This is the day…when  you’re doing the cha cha.  One step forward, two steps back.  You’ve been strong, making gains, living in the light.  You are at your highest of highs. And then it hits.  Hits you so hard, you can’t find your breath. Can.not.breathe.  Life. Reality. The sweat beads form. Heart racing.  Your stomach begins to churn, panic seeps its way in…and the whole world comes crashing down and crushes you…your spirit, your will, your hope, your faith.

Today is the day. Cha cha cha.  It’s inevitable.  I know that.  And I know it’s coming.  Yet, every time it does, I’m derailed faster than a high speed train.  This overwhelming life and balancing it all.  Working full time,  raising 3 kids, being a single mother, running a household.  I start to wonder: “What did I forget to do? How much does that cost? Can I afford it?  Will I finish the work on time?  Is this my best? What am I making for dinner?  What else can I possibly think of to pack in their lunches?? Did I ask my teenager the right questions to know what is going on in her life?  What about the little ones?  Homework?  Friends?  Sports?  My head….AHHH!

Today is the day.  1..2..cha cha cha.  What arises next? The real panic.  I.can’t.do.this.  I just can’t! I’m supposed to be living in the light! Embracing my journey.  Staying positive. Staying present. Being peaceful. Happy.  Full of joy, right?!?  Well, not really…that is not truly how recovery operates. And I know that too.  The awareness of the ebb and flow, the light versus dark, does not always  prevent it from finding you.

Recovery is every day.  The daily lessons of this journey.  It’s not, “One day, broken…next day, fixed.”  It’s everyday.  EVERYDAY.  Some days are made of so much light, and only a bit of darkness.  And then there are days like today, when the darkness consumes you…and it takes every last ounce of strength you have in the struggle to find any light at all.  Then the REAL questions emerge:  “Am I enough?  What if I’m not enough?  Are my kids going to be ok?  Do I matter?  Will I ever matter to another love again?  Am I really not the sum of my past mistakes? Do I make a difference?  How will I survive this?”  My chest tightens, the breath is barely there (the brave little girl inside whispers again, “beauty for ashes, beauty for ashes”)…as my mind spins into an oblivion.

Today is the day to remember, life is a dance. One step forward, two steps back.  Steps. Jumps. Leaps. Whatever movement you choose…this is life. You can climb the highest mountains, run your fastest race, dance your most soulful dance, weather the most brutal storm, overcome challenges again and again with bravery and courage…be the ultimate pillar of strength.

But we are made of both light and dark. Right? What do we do when the darkness falls again? How do we recover?  Which way is the way out of the pit, to emerge in the light?

Today is the day, where there is light, however it reveals itself. Light is the way.  And that light is Love.  Light is love.  Light is Love.  Today is the day to find the light. Find it.  Is it in the laughter of your baby girl? Yes…that is light and love.  Is it in the tightest hug from your son? Yes…light and love.  Is it in the fact that your teenager still wants to put her head on your shoulder and just be?  Yes...light. love. all of it.  In the darkness, the light is the birth of beauty…that you created. A bounty of blessings.

Today is the day. 1..2..cha cha cha.

(just breathe and hold on to the light).

Almost at the end of the tunnel,

J