only paths we had not known we were meant to walk.”-G.G. Kay
Is that the truth? I was talking with my friend, Jean today at work. She shouted “Congratulations on your race this past weekend!” and gave me a huge hug only like Jean can. (More to come on the race soon!) I humbly described just how challenging it had been and her response was, “You amaze me! Every time I see you, you’re either climbing a mountain or accomplishing a huge race or tackling new fears like swimming. Not to mention, sewing dance costumes for your girls and running around to competitions here and there!”
My reply? I looked back at Jean and blurted out, “I honestly do not know what the heck I’m doing, I just keep going.”
I don’t know what I am doing, I just keep going.
Today was a struggle. Some say you have post-race blues. Maybe because your adrenaline is incredibly spiked with pre-race anticipation and pumps through your core at full speed during the race. Inevitably, “the crash” is bound to happen, right?
So maybe my off-balance day was due to letdown. Maybe…
There are more races and more mountains lined up to tackled, so it is not a matter of “not knowing what to do next.”
I don’t know what I am doing, I just keep going.
There are days like today where I just cannot climb out of the emotional pit I am in. I wonder if I’ve made the right decisions in life. If I am on the right path. Did I make a wrong turn somewhere? How do I know that the “keep going” I’ve set out before me is the best choice?
There are no wrong turnings, only the paths we had not known we were meant to walk…so the path is the way. Just keep going.
If only the path was marked by cairns and ladders guiding your next steps….
So just keep going out for fear of stopping. Because if I stop...if I stop “going,” then the lies in my mind begin to seep back in. The ones that taunt me with memories of the past…past hurt, past pain, past choices. The ones that attack my self-worth, my efforts, my progress.
If I stop…then what?
Then my inner warrior is called to rise and fight back. She reminds me of the victories this past year alone has celebrated. At 40 years old, I ran my 3rd and fastest half marathon. I ran my fastest 5K. This past weekend, I completed my first ever duathlon. I have conquered my fear of swimming and can now swim 50 yards in 42 seconds. I survived camping alone in a tent twice and lived to tell about it. I climbed 14/46 of the High Peaks in the Adirondacks, most in the winter besides.
(But I don’t know what I am doing, I just keep going.)
And she reminds me that those are just the personal victories…there are “mommy victories” and “work victories” as well.
Yes…yes, so much to celebrate. So many blessings to be thankful for! And I am…I am truly grateful for the strength to face Fear head on and rise.
But the truth is, this warrior is tired. I.am.tired. It is like the hills you face when you race or climb…for every high, there is an equal low waiting on the other side. For every effortless downhill coasting, there is an equal uphill climb at your feet. This warrior is out of “fight.” In my heart, I know this is the path I am meant to walk. He has shown me, time and time again, the way home.
But I am tired. Do I have permission to stop? Please?? I promise I will rise again soon. I promise I will continue the fight…to be strong, courageous, and full of hope.
But for now, I need to remove my armor, lay down my sword and curl up in my blanket-covered trench. And just…be.
#leaveamessageatthebeep
Peace,
J
rundanceclimb 